The Challenge of Relating

“It was the right hook that got him.  Pastor Waite might have stood in front of the Communion table trading punches with head deacon Ray Bryson all morning had not Ray’s fist caught him on the chin two minutes and fifteen seconds into the fight.  Waite went down for the count at the altar where most members of Highpark Community Church had first declared their commitment to Christ.”[1]

Does this story sound a little far-fetched?  Well, even though the names and the place have been changed, it is a true tale of Christians trading punches over the future of pastoral ministry in their church.  Of course, the tension and hostility that led to the fight at Highpark Community didn’t happen overnight.  Like most difficulties within churches, problems tend to simmer for several weeks or months before they finally boil over into outright accusation or offense.  

It was the late Arthur Wallis (1922-1988) who wrote: “Relationships are the very essence of church life, and if these are not healthy and strong, that body of Christians will never function effectively for God.”[2]  Added to this is the point Bryn Jones makes in his little booklet entitled Joined in Covenant, where he writes: “A church is only as strong as the people’s relationships.  Churches don’t usually collapse because of doctrinal differences; they fall because of Christian’s failure to relate.”[3]

As one reads through the New Testament, it becomes very clear that the church of Jesus Christ is to be comprised of people who enjoy strong, healthy and loving relationships with each other.  The apostle Paul encouraged this when he wrote, “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love” (Rom. 12:10, NIV), and the apostle Peter adds, “love one another deeply, from the heart” (1 Pet. 1:22, NIV).

The challenge we face is not in trying to agree with what Paul and Peter have written, for

each one of us would undoubtedly accept their instruction as being necessary for a church to remain healthy and strong.  Our challenge is really on a more fundamental level than mere agreement with the Scriptures.  What is so necessary in today’s church is that individual members learn how to handle the inevitable difficulties and problems that arise as people seek to draw closer together in relationship.

As we all know, the church is filled with all kinds of people who are different from ourselves in personality, temperament, and background.  One of the simple facts of life is that in any group of people there will always be some individuals who seem easy to get along with, while others may rub us the wrong way.  Let’s face it, the business of relating can be quite challenging at times!  And yet, contrary to what we might think at times, close relationships are possible if we take seriously what Jesus commands us to do: “Love each other as I have loved you” (Jn. 15:12, NIV).

Buried in the little book by King Solomon entitled the Song of Songs, is a very interesting phrase: “Quick!  Catch all the little foxes before they ruin the vineyard of your love, for the grapevines are all in bloom” (SS. 2:15, NLT, italics added).  In the context of the whole book, this verse points to an attempt to prevent a blossoming relationship from being ruined by “little things.”  Taken as individual problems, these little difficulties amount to almost nothing, but when combined together, they have the potential of destroying not only the relationship, but the whole vineyard as well.

It is important, therefore, that we discover what some of these “little foxes” are and why they have the potential of ruining relationships within the family of God.  Briefly stated, some of these are:

1.  Misunderstanding

     Here is the cause of so many relational problems in the church!  Often people mistake or misinterpret what another person may be trying to say or do, and at the expense of the relationship simply walk away upset or offended.  A better response would be to seek clarification on a misunderstood point, so that a wrong attitude or bitter spirit does not get in the way and damage the relationship.  Always remember that a “bitter root” can grow “up to cause trouble and defile many” (Heb. 12:15, NIV).  From such a bitter root, we must guard ourselves.

  

2.  Hurt Feelings

     Whether we realize it or not, God often uses human sandpaper to shape and mold us into His likeness.   Each of us must understand that “the people you live and work with are hand-picked by the Lord to expose your temper, your pride, your stubbornness, or whatever your failings are, so that they can be dealt with.”[4]  This is why it is impossible for us to grow in the Lord unless we have exposure to and fellowship with other believers.  Therefore, if we find ourselves hurt by what someone has said or done, the mature thing to do is to go to the person right away in order to deal with the issue (see Matthew 18:15).

3.  Gossip

     Gossip is one of the most destructive forces in church life, and those who give themselves to it can cause terrible damage to the lives and reputations of many good people.  Consider some of the points the book of Proverbs makes about gossip:

·  “A gossip betrays a confidence” (11:13).

·  “a gossip separates close friends” (16:28).

·  “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down into a man’s inmost parts” (18:8).

Clearly, the presence of gossip in a church can lead to all kinds of problems.  Perhaps the most tragic of these is that people in a gossip-filled church learn how not to trust each other.

4.  Self-Preoccupation

     During a telephone conversation with an inquiring person several years ago, I was asked, “What can this church do for me?”  As simple as the question is, it reveals one of the leading causes of relational breakdown in our society.  That cause simply put is selfishness!  If gone unchecked, this “little fox” has the potential of turning the church into a society of spectators who come for no greater reason than to simply have their own personal needs met.  While the Lord does meet our needs in relationship with others, this should not be the only motivating factor in attending church.  How we must remember that “he will give you all you need from day to day of you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern” (Mt. 6:33, NLT).

     The above list represents only some of the “little foxes” that can plague a church community.  Our challenge therefore, is to decide that no matter what it will cost us, we will seek to develop closer relationships with our fellow brothers and sisters in the church.  You see, ‘the church is not simply people, but people in relationship.”[5]  With such a view, we can be confident that the church will “become mature and full grown in the Lord, measuring up to the full stature of Christ” (Eph. 4:13, NLT).

           

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[1] As told by Charles Colson in The Body (Dallas, Texas: Word Publishing, 1992), pp. 91-97.  

[2] Arthur Wallis, “Attitudes Are All Important,” in Restoration, May/June 1981, p. 12.

[3] Bryn Jones, Joined in Covenant (Leicester, England: Harvestime Publishing Ltd., 1990),

p. 12.

[4] David Matthew, “Relationships Are Number One,” in Restoration, May/June 1981, p. 4.

[5] The Editor, Restoration, May/June 1981, p. 1.